To that one guy

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To the first one,

Looking back a year ago, I see myself blaming you for all the weight I’d been carrying in my chest, for all the wounds which at the time wouldn’t heal, for all the tears that came rushing through my cheeks. Actually, I don’t remember much at all. I forgot what hurting for you felt like, the crying, and the way to forgetting. I barely remember how it felt falling for you and falling back again when the ‘getting over you’ process failed for the nth time. Everything’s a blur to me now. And maybe that’s how it should really go. Maybe that’s how it is like when you have finally moved on.

I have been trying to remember things, but I can barely do so. But a few are still vivid to me. One is the fact that I used to whine about how you changed, how better you were before everything happened, blah blah blah, etcetera etcetera. Point is, I thought the guy I fell for was different from the guy who wanted me to move on…from him. Figures, the only things that changed are: (1) the way I saw you and, (2) the way you actually looked like (yes, you somehow managed to evolve into a very handsome guy). But more on the former.

I put you on a pedestal when I was still into you. You were perfect to me when obviously, you’re not, nobody is. I was blinded with all the good things that you possessed and did that I wasn’t able to see all the other things I should’ve seen. And the moment you dumped me in the friendzone (A moment of silence please? Kidding. I’m over it), all the fantasy I had been having about you, shattered. I finally saw clearly what was actually in front of me–a guy with his flaws and does stupid mistakes just like all the other people around me, a guy who’s just being himself. It’s the truth. It’s what you really were.

But now that I’m more than okay and over with what we had (or what I think we had), I can very much see that you haven’t really changed. Sure, you grew taller, gained some weight, became more handsome and maybe smarter, but those are only superficial. The change is so obvious but not visible to me at all. You’re still that jolly, funny, and adorable person (not to mention a mean and boastful a-hole at times) that I used to know. You’re still the innocent (gullible would be a better fit) friend who can make me laugh at unexpected times. And I am pretty much convinced that you’re that one person who took me by his jokes and got me falling for his eyes.

After a year and some months, I finally got to look you straight in the eyes again. And I have figured out, you’ll always be special to me. You are not only ‘the first one’ I fell in love with, you are ‘that one guy’ who taught me how it is to fall.  And the fall was good even without the catch. That, I won’t forget.

-One of those girls

Aside

The semester just ended. People are leaving the dormitories, heading home. Others are already out there, enjoying every bit of the time that they have before facing another sem. Most of them have their breaks planned out perfectly– prepared their lists of books to read, movies to watch, parties to attend to, etc.

Me? Still in my room in the dormitory, lying flat on my stomach, no plan to sleep in the next few hours. I was too busy looking forward for the break that I forgot to plan any activity for the break itself.

Well, I am really very glad that the sem is over. You know, me time plus family time. But then, there is something that I came to realize. One sem is over while another one is going to come in a few weeks. Things are going to change, AGAIN. And then we’ll have to see new professors and get to know new teaching styles, meet new classmates, and adapt to classrooms new to us. I mean, aren’t those just too much?

Well, yeah, I get that changes are inevitable. But then, it is not always easy to keep up with the things in life especially if the world is turning way too fast and then all you can do is watch and get confused. Okay, that’s a bit too much for a semester, but I’m actually  talking about things in general.

Changes are not easy to accept, that’s why deaths, breakups, moving out/in, leaving and being left behind are not easy to deal with. And no matter how we keep on saying that “change is the only constant thing in this world,” there will always be times when we ask the world “why things can’t just stay the same.”

Aaaand, yes I’m still trying to take in the fact that I won’t have to stay up late for academic purposes for weeks. Naaah, kidding. Happy sem break everyone!

The Inevitable

Aside

These past few days, I have been ranting and showing how bitter I am whenever I see couples. Even I, started wondering why. I used to not be like that. I used to not care.

I actually find it weird that I feel so irritated even when I listen to my friend’s cheesy love story (See what I mean? I know I’m better than this). So I tried searching for answers, and these are the reasons why:

The person I like confessed…to my friend. I mean, seriously?! Of all people, why does the girl have to be one of my friends?

At first, I thought I could just let them be by letting go, by giving way. Because anyway, friendship has always been my priority.

I gave way, yes. I get that they like each other, yes. But, seeing them so happy being together? THAT, I CAN’T HANDLE. Seeing it? Watching them? It damn kills me.

And yes, the friendship that I chose in the first place… It’s foundation ain’t that strong either. And I’m afraid it’ll easily crumble.

Usually, that would be okay, I mean, I have lots of other friends. Problem is, (and here comes the second reason), I just lost one. And the “BEST” one at that. </3

We’re still friends. But it’ll never be the same. It’s hard getting through each day without one third of yourself.  And it’s getting worse each day because everytime I get hurt, I don’t have anybody to tell it to. And upon realizing that, it’ll just hurt even more.

Why not tell it to my other friends, you say? Well, I have tried. But, some of them just judged me, others mocked and laughed at me, while most didn’t really care. It’s just not the same without that one friend you trust so much she won’t judge or laugh at you. But that friendship’s gone now. She could tell me any advice, but never will I appreciate it again. It’s just not the same.

From the above premises, I could only come up with one conclusion. I have been reacting really weird about happy couples because they are happy…and I am not. They have people to turn to in times of trouble…and I don’t. They’re with the people they love…whilst I’m here feeling alone drowning myself in self-pity. How will I be ever happy for them, when I myself am not happy?

I watch and read love stories with happy endings too much, and I hate that all those cheesy stuff are happening to them and not to me. I used to be contented with everything that I have, but after all these, after seeing everything crumble and fade in front of me, all I could do is envy those who are happy.

Why so bitter?

A Walk to Remember

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The other day, we walked together, just the two of us. It wasn’t impeccable, but for me, it was enough.

I walked across the street to get to where you were. But as much as I wasn’t surprised to see you, I too was.  You smiled when you saw me. I did the same for I was glad. And ’til now, I’m hoping you were, too. 

We talked about the weather and the rain and the wreck the storm has caused, but nothing more than that. And while I could have started another small talk, I knew I didn’t need that. I like you better when you’re not loud.

There was a time when we had to walk past some remnants of the flood. You didn’t help me get through it, but cheered and told me where to step onto. I liked that, too.

We didn’t walk hand in hand, neither did we always walk side by side. There were times when I wanted you to only walk ahead of me. I like staring at your back and somewhat dream of what we could be.

I guess I liked every second of that afternoon, every detail, every step, every raindrop that touched my skin, every background noise that there was, every blink of my eyes, even every stranger we walk past. Maybe I liked everything.

 

 

 

 Or maybe all I really liked that afternoon… was you.

Something that I used to know

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Yesterday, I read a story I could relate to.
Usually, I’d feel the author’s misery.
Usually, I’d cry.
But yesterday, I didn’t.

Last night, I listened to a sad song we could relate to.
Usually, I’d feel the singer’s pain.
Usually, I’d hurt.
But last night, I didn’t.

This morning, I talked to someone I used to care about.
Usually, I’d go nuts.
Usually, I’d reminisce.
But this morning, I didn’t.

Earlier today, they talked about someone you like.
Usually, I’d listen to our song.
Usually, I’d think of us.
But earlier today, I didn’t.

An hour ago, I watched a story anybody could relate to.
Usually, I’d think of love and all it has done to me.
Usually, I’d cry in misery.
But an hour ago, I didn’t.

Now, I am writing about something I used to speak of.
Usually, I’d try to define it.
Usually, I’d use adjectives to explain how it feels.
But I didn’t.

Now, I am writing about love.
Yes, I used to talk about it.
Yes, I used to know how it feels to be into it.
But now, it’s but a foreign word…
nothing familiar,
nothing I know